Tainted: A Ridiculous Epic Fantasy

How many times would you die to achieve perfection?

Thor: Ragnarok meets Romancing the Stone in this laugh-out-loud epic fantasy about a perfection-obsessed soldier who spirals through death after death as he tries to undo a single mistake on his quest to rescue the perfect princess.

Perfection...or death and death and death.

Akiro, a commander of guards, is one bold move from seizing perfection, and perhaps even the love of his nation's princess. But during his mad ploy to impress her by capturing a dread monster, she gets kidnapped. 

Akiro abandons his duties to sail after her Outlander kidnappers, his lone lead in the rescue a notorious Outlander he captures named Black Lamb. Before he can make sense of Lamb's involvement, however, an impossibly powerful magical attack destroys Akiro's ship.

Everyone aboard dies except Lamb, a giant flying squirrel, and a tongueless cabin boy. Akiro is only brought back to life by the sacrifice of his adoptive aunt.

With an elemental heart now beating erratically in his chest, Akiro faces a staggering quest. Rescue his princess from a foreign land. While now being allergic to metal as, one by one, the elements fueling his new heart begin extinguishing. At least his elemental heart gives him access to his aunt's magic. Unfortunately, he's terrible with it.

Thankfully, or perhaps regrettably, Akiro's quest drags in the notorious Lamb, the hound-sized, rainbow-furred flying squirrel Smuggly, and the tongueless cabin boy Heckler (whose only goal in joining them seems to be mocking Akiro).

Racing against time and across a foreign nation rife with marriage festivals and windmill cities, Akiro's detestation of Lamb begins to soften. But he's a commander of guards. She's a notorious revolutionary. Their story can only have one ending. Either he'll be perfected by saving his nation's princess, or irrevocably tainted by discovering his true heart lies with three ne'er-do-wells.

At least there’s a chance that along the way that he'll reignite his elemental heart with some flawlessly heroic sex.

A ridiculously fun epic fantasy, Tainted is perfect for fans of Running Close to the Wind, The Blacktongue Thief, Dreadful, How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying, and Long Live Evil.

The Series

Die chasing your dream, find a way back, set out on a quest to capture what truly matters, and maybe have some heroic sex.

You can get Forsworn in this campaign too!

Tainted is the ridiculous second novel in The Dead Mercenaries, a new epic fantasy series featuring warriors who die by the sword, find a way back, set out on a quest to wreak havoc, and maybe have some heroic sex. Each book is a standalone novel connected by reader easter eggs. The story and scope of these novels intertwine into the larger world of The Endless Folly. 

You'll get:

• Found Family
• Crazy Animal Sidekicks
• Rescue Missions for the Rescue Mission
• Excessive Unintended Nudity
• Countless Comebacks
• Obsessions Defeated by Love
• Ridiculous Heart

Book Two is 120k words in length, approximately 456 pages, and my most ridiculous book to date. 

I write books to help readers heal, and the concept for Tainted grew from a deep desire to burn everything following a betrayal. It's also a love letter to all the friends I made following that betrayal. And because I love ridiculous heart, I wanted Tainted to take that journey with absurdity and romance. Think a gender-swapped Romancing the Stone (where they're both idiots) meets Thor: Ragnarok.

Ever had someone you trusted stick a knife in your back? A friend walk away in a time of need? Know someone you would've loved forever but now you want to see burn? Then this series is for you.

It's also for you if just want a ridiculous romp through a high-stakes fantasy kidnapping!

Read A Sample

As LaVar would say, you don't have to take my word for it. Read Tainted's opening chapter!

This may not be the final text.

Tainted Chapter One

Guarantee

Tainted is guaranteed to make you laugh. If I fail you in this quest, not only will I refund your coin, but I will provide unparalleled recommendations for burning any and all physical merch while a cabin boy mocks me.

Features

Looking for a special edition hardcover? A D&D 5E subclass? Other bonus swag? You've found perfection here.
 

The Kickstarter Special Edition Hardcover will the be the ultimate Tainted experience.

• Deliciously Custom Dust Jacket
• Blindingly Shiny Foiling
• Saucy Sprayed Edges
• Heart-Stopping Interior Art
• Sexy Smyth-Sewn Binding
• 8.5" x 5.5", approx. 465 pages

And we'll make it even more beautiful through our stretch goals!

• Preposterous Patterned End Sheets
• Ridiculous Chapter Art
• Even MOAR Heart-Stopping Interior Art

This campaign is focused on the second book in the Dead Mercenaries series, but we brought the same treatment to Forsworn and will do so for the third as well.

Rewards

My goal is to make this ridiculous epic accessible to everyone, in whatever format and price point you prefer. We've got the e-book, the paperback, and the signed hardcover, plus access to leftover spoils from the Forsworn Kickstarter! You choose the package that's right for you!

• Tier I (Explorer): $9 - Tainted eBook + all digital swag
• Tier II (Princess): $25 - Tainted Paperback + all digital swag
• Tier III (Hero): $65 - Tainted Special Edition Signed Hardcover + all digital swag
• Tier IV (Living Dead Mercenary): $125 - Forsworn & Tainted Special Edition Signed Hardcovers + all digital swag
• Tier V (Cheeky Revolutionary): $350 - Tier V??!? Everything Tainted in this Kickstarter + immortality within all Tainted books

Add Ons

• $5: Custom Wooden Tainted Bookmark (choose Akiro, Lamb, Smuggly, or Heckler!)
• $8: Extra Tainted eBook for all your ridiculous gifting needs
• $8: Extra Forsworn eBook to catch up on this ridiculousness
• $15: All 4 Custom Wooden Tainted Bookmarks! (don't bother choosing!)
• $24: Extra Tainted Paperback A killer present for a hero or villain
• $24: Forsworn Paperback Capture or share the first folly
• $64: Extra Tainted Special Edition Signed Hardcover The perfect present for the flawlessly imperfect
• $64: Forsworn Special Edition Signed Hardcover The perfect present for a hero or villain

Stretch Goals

The first goal of this campaign is to deliver a hardcover edition of Tainted that is a work of art. The second is to hook you up with swag.

We've got some fantastic bonuses for this project.

• All physical books come autographed! By ordering them through the campaign, you get them directly from me. This allows me to add that special touch.
• All eBooks are DRM-free and will be delivered digitally by BookFunnel. They can be loaded on any device: Kindle, Nook, Kobo e-reader, computer, smartphone, and tablet.

Beyond this, we've got some ridiculous stretch goals!

We've done it! And you'll all be immortalized in the ridiculous🥳😄🐿️

It's happening! A sorcerer subclass that will make you question whether or not being tainted is a good thing...

YOU GET AN eBOOK. AND YOU GET AN eBOOK! eBooks for all! And you get to pick which one😁

You'll get to pick who gets pictured next. Will it be Lamb? Smuggly? Heckler?

Bonus bookmark! All physical backers will be getting a bonus bookmark. 

We're blasting through the goals! We're going to have some epic map endpapers on the Special Edition. Never lose your map again!

We're adding another piece of interior art! A second poll will happen after the first is decided...

We're going to repeat the epic chapter art we had in Forsworn with something stupidly perfect for Tainted. I am so excited for you to see how ridiculous it will be!

Wait, if we get this does that mean we're going to have every character posing in a ridiculous scene within this wildly heartfelt book?

WE DID IT!!!🎉🎉🎉 We truly exceeded my dreams with this campaign, and for that we're going to unleash a ridiculous Tainted dream on the world! We're going to commission a full-color art piece that's going to depict one of the most ridiculous scenes in this book between Akiro and Lamb. It's going to be chock full of tropes. Unintended nudity. A badass challenge. A true enemies to lovers moment. Ridiculous heart. And maybe a rainbow-furred squirrel flying in the background?

🥳🥳🍾LET'S DRINK IN THE SPOILS OF OUR VICTORY!🥳🥳🍾

The Author

Fantasy is serious business

And I'm serious about you having fun reading it.

I'm J.D. Penndagger and Tainted is my twelfth novel and the most obsessive story I've spun yet. My writing career began in Portland, Oregon in a tale as old as time: Making my way downtown, driving fast, faces pass, and I hit a wizard who fell out of the sky. The wizard didn’t survive, but they left behind dozens of manuscripts, which I now publish.
I love snowboarding, soccer, martial arts, and making people laugh. I want to make you feel you can chase your dreams and come back from anything. I currently adventure in the Rockies with my friends, two children, and the dorkiest golden retriever ever.

Get ready to laugh, eyeroll, bite back curses, and decide how much you'd risk for perfection with Tainted!

Timeline

Tainted is scheduled to release in February of 2027. We're doing the Kickstarter now so we can send out all the campaign rewards that month.

Shipping

Is your country not listed for shipping? Message me and I'll get it added! In order to facilitate shipping to certain countries outside of the US at a reasonable cost, I'll dropship the book to you directly and mail a signed book plate.

Shipping will be charged when pledges are made.